The first time I discovered the “yes/no/maybe” worksheet, I had dragged two of my closest friends to a Brooklyn sex toy shop for a Kink 101 class. Afterward, we rushed across the street to a crowded bar to pour over every word of it — discussing which sex acts we knew gave us pleasure and which ones we’d like to explore. We listened intently to each other as we analyzed where our desires and boundaries aligned or differed. This affirmed what I now understand as a sex educator: that sometimes we need an ice breaker of sorts to start a dialogue around the sex we want to have. Talking about our desires can feel complicated.
A yes/no/maybe worksheet is a guide for exploring sexual desires and boundaries. It basically is exactly what it sounds like: Alongside an extensive list of sexual acts are three boxes where you categorize every act as either a yes, no, or maybe. As a sex educator, this worksheet is one of my top recommendations for every person who is sexually active with themselves or others.
The beauty of making this type of list is that you can almost always find one tailored to your current needs. Are you just starting to think about having partnered sex for the first time? This comprehensive list might be perfect for you. Are you in a non-monogamous relationship? This list might suit your needs. Are you new to exploring BDSM? Try a kinky yes/no/maybe worksheet. Consent lies at the intersection of two (or more) people's mutual desires — yes/no/maybe lists can help you figure out what those are.
Having a fulfilled sex life doesn’t magically manifest — it takes intention and self-exploration to not only figure out what you desire but also how to communicate about those desires with your partners. When engaging in the yes/no/maybe worksheet with a partner, it’s important to take time individually filling out your categories before discussing them together. This reduces the likelihood of influencing one another’s responses to mirror what it is you think your partner wants. It also creates more spaciousness for explicit and decisive no’s. For people who struggle to create boundaries, this worksheet can ease pressure as everyone is bound to have a list of hard no’s.
A yes/no/maybe list cannot stand on its own as a magical puzzle piece to enrich your sexual life — it serves as a conversation starter, a catalyst for what’s to come. If you’ve felt too nervous to mention anal play, this worksheet could be a great way to introduce the topic with your partner. Talking about sexual desires outside of the bedroom puts less urgency on enacting them right away. Plan to discuss your responses over an intentional dinner date. A common sex educator rule to follow is never “yuck someone else’s yum” — in other words, don’t make fun of what turns someone else on, even if it’s not for you. This process of divulging desires is vulnerable, so always center respect for anyone sharing theirs with you.
